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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672042">still bearing remnants of what i found</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/pseuds/adamngoodbatch'>adamngoodbatch (sibbed)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The well and beyond [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz is a Good Dad, Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Feelings Realization, Gen, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Ramon and Helena Diaz, Mentioned Shannon Diaz, Other, Self-Reflection, or two or a thousand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:40:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,328</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672042</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/pseuds/adamngoodbatch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They say your whole life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. Eddie knows this isn’t true. He’s had near-death experiences in the past and he never got flashes or glimpses of anything. He just got pain and suffering. But tonight, submerged in the dark and cold muddy water, his brain presents him with an extensive collection of memories.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Christopher Diaz &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The well and beyond [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866337</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>177</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>still bearing remnants of what i found</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Cover art by the talented <a href="https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/">Ro_Nordmann</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>This is Diaz. Can anybody hear me?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> This is Eddie. I’m alive. I’m still alive down here.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m still alive down here! </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Anyone? </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>Resentment is a well-known feeling for Eddie. </p>
<p>He resents his father for not being there while he was growing up and then demanding things from Eddie while at the same time crushing him down with unattainable goals, setting the bar too high for him, placing expectations on him that were never his to set. </p>
<p>He resents his mother for thinking he’s an inadequate father, unsuited to raise his own kid. He resents both of his parents for even daring suggest they take Christopher away from his care. And he resents his sisters for having it easier than him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He also resents Shannon for misunderstanding his intentions throughout their whole relationship. For wanting more from him than he was equipped to give.</p>
<p>
  <em> I cannot do this alone. </em>
</p>
<p>For leaving him by himself to raise their child and then coming back, dipping her toes in his life to then only wanting a divorce out of him. And suddenly, dying on him. Hanging him out to dry, again. This time, permanently. </p>
<p>
  <em> I need some time too. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The truth is that, first and foremost, Eddie essentially resents himself. He has spent most of his life making choices for others. Choices that he now knows were never his to make.</p>
<p>
  <em> You keep saying that you didn’t have a choice, but you’re the one who keeps making these choices for the rest of us. </em>
</p>
<p>When Shannon told him as much, he’d huffed in denial and made a scene but deep inside he knew that she was right. He just couldn’t stop making decisions for himself and for others like it was his job. Like he’d been shown since he could remember.  His parents used to give him very little wiggle room with his life choices and it came naturally to him to do the same when he started his own family. It’s true, old habits die hard.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Don’t drag him down with you, Eddie. </em>
</p>
<p>Ever since he was a child, Edmundo Diaz has felt the weight of the world crushing him down. He didn’t notice then, and he sometimes doesn’t notice now, the way he just keeps succumbing to it again and again. </p>
<p>And again. </p>
<p>But being tough it’s his pre-set state of mind. He’s supposed to be strong and know better. That’s what his father told him when he was six years old, and little Eddie took his father’s words to heart. So it always felt like he didn’t have a choice. Maybe he never actually did.</p>
<p>Any variety of feelings is a mere discomfort he needs to deal with rapidly, pushing it aside and going back to his center, his solid hardened core. Growing up thinking you have to be strong every single moment can be exhausting. And that’s how he felt, constantly. Exhausted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he thinks about it, at thirty-three years old, Eddie feels exhausted. He tries to keep himself in check all the time. Never being able to fall apart drains him. </p>
<p>He finally has a realization the moment he feels the water surrounding him. The thought of giving up has been tormenting him for years. It’s always there, a little voice saying <em>just give up already, you’re not strong enough. You’re not enough. </em> </p>
<p>It beckons to him like a siren call. <em> Just give up. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dirt covers his nose and mouth and he spits it out as the freezing cold water rushes around him. He feels pins and needles puncturing through his suit into his skin. It makes him shake violently. His body feels heavy like a rock. He knows he’s about to surrender; he stills for a second, feels his heart beating hard and fast in his chest, limbs floating around him, out of his control. </p>
<p>They say your whole life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. Eddie knows this isn’t true. He’s had near-death experiences in the past and he never got flashes or glimpses of anything. He just got pain and suffering. But tonight, submerged in the dark and cold muddy water, his brain presents him with an extensive collection of memories. </p>
<p>Alongside the overpowering thoughts of Christopher, comes an avalanche of reminiscences: moving to Los Angeles, becoming a firefighter and finding a new family to take roots in; the many, many, many ways in which Buck has held him steady through all his nonsense and chaos but also made his life so much better. And Chris' life better too.</p>
<p>He’s drifting into a stupor when he hears her voice, Shannon, calling out to him. </p>
<p>
  <em> Eddie, Christopher needs you.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He has the tiniest amount of oxygen still caught in his lungs and it has to be enough to pull him through. The moment he hears his son’s name resonating in his mind, he knows that it’s his time to fight and crawl his way back, once more. </p>
<p>The real beacon in all of his nightmares will always be Christopher, that one spark that will ignite his entire world aflame. </p>
<p>
  <em> I miss you all the time. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But now he allows himself to understand that he has more than one reason to fight for. Another beacon of hope in his life.</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m always going to fight to come home to my family. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As he breaks the surface, he takes his first breath and he throws his helmet away, finding it too constricting, overwhelming. He stumbles out of the water, towards a guiding light. He feels his lungs expand inch by inch with each breath. His nose stings and his face feels stiffened, caked with mud. His legs are wobbly and each step feels like a chore taking all the energy he has left out of him. Slowly, he makes it to the swarm of firefighters getting ready to go get him.</p>
<p>“We’ll use their thermal imaging to scan this wider area. Try to pick up Diaz’s heat signature,” someone says.</p>
<p>“Won’t be easy,” Eddie pants, listening as Buck and Bobby call out his name and he smirks as relief takes over. “I’m pretty cold.” If he survived this, he has a right to crack a joke about it.</p>
<p>“Let’s get you checked out, buddy, so we can get you home,” Hen embraces him from behind and Buck is holding his hand. Eddie’s face feels frozen but he still makes an effort, looks at Buck, and beams at him.</p>
<p>“I got a big date Friday. I can’t miss it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> We are gonna be okay. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>The curtains that cover the windows of the hospital room are partially drawn. There’s a little gap where sunlight filters through and touches Eddie’s skin. Last night he’d thought he’d never feel warm again, but the sunlight heats up a patch of skin on his right arm and his left hand feels warm all over. </p>
<p>There’s an IV catheter placed on his arm and it prickles. His eyelids feel heavy with sleep and his eyes burn every time he blinks. He tries moving his legs as they lay heavy on the mattress covered in too many blankets. He manages to wiggle his toes. Feeling relieved, he takes a deep breath that throws a wave of pain all over his torso.</p>
<p>Sometimes feeling pain is good.</p>
<p>Sometimes feeling pain means being alive.</p>
<p>“I’m okay,” Eddie mumbles to himself, face hidden between his shoulder and the white crisp pillow on his bed. He doesn’t know hidden from what. Or who.</p>
<p>He feels someone stir beside him. He turns his head and catches Buck’s eyes blinking rapidly. He almost seems confused.</p>
<p>“Eds?” Buck croaks, his voice is rough and deep. His hands holding Eddie’s left one. That’s why it feels so warm.</p>
<p>Eddie blinks and tries to talk. The words won’t come out, they are stuck to his throat, threatening to choke him. He coughs and turns his head to look out the window.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck’s hold on his hand only tightens after that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic started brewing in my mind a few months ago while listening to a song after watching Eddie Begins for the first time. I'm currently posting the first part, that can be read as a oneshot, but I have at least two more parts to follow.</p>
<p>title from The Well, a poem by Pablo Neruda</p></blockquote></div></div>
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